My Clenched Fist

I’ve heard it said that each life lived is like a plot of land granted to a gardener. I’ll buy into that for a moment. We are assigned a task to produce a fruit unique from all others, then provided with constraints of an uncertain amount of time, unpredictable seasons of weather, with one piece of deteriorating equipment (our physical self). What could go wrong?

Metaphors are fun, but life can be so tragic.

Our plans and our goals, our dreams and our investments, can remain unfulfilled for such a time that we start to feel helpless over the outcome. We’ve done the research, we’ve tweaked a few habits, and we’ve even taken our friendly neighbor’s advice. But there we are again at the end of another day, head in our hands doubting we will ever experience the bountiful harvest we used to dream about before our joy was stolen from us.

Do you feel the anxiety? Do you sense the sadness? The hopelessness?

I feel angry. Often. I feel angry often! I feel angry that my parcel of land is so burdened with rocks of illness and weeds of depression; and that my neighbors yields dwarf my own despite my efforts, my good intentions, my prayers. I feel angry that if tell anyone I’m angry that I might be labeled a complainer, a malcontent, a victim. So I dig a pit and bury my anger in it; out of sight, out of mind. Everyone is safe.

Until you cut me off at the light. Until the mechanic doesn’t do the job he said he would do. Until my wife underperforms to my expectations. Ouch. That one hurts to say. Anger causes such desperation within me, I’m willing to cut my wife with words just to experience a small measure of relief. The vow-taking man a few years ago would be so sad. Tragic.

If you are embarrassed by the way your anger has hurt people, I invite you to take a step towards healing through vulnerability. Tell somebody how angry you are that life isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. Tell them about the joy you’ve been robbed of. Tell them how sorry you are for hurting your family. Ask them if they can relate. Find forgiveness.

To be continued…